Recognizing hidden agendas from a Christian perspective.
“By their fruit you will recognize them.” – (Matthew 7:16).
Love is patient, kind, and sacrificial. But control? Control is calculated. It wears a mask of love, but at its core, it’s about power. As Christians, we are called to walk in truth and love—yet we are also told to be wise as serpents and harmless as doves (Matthew 10:16). That means learning how to recognize when someone isn’t repenting—they’re pretending.
There’s a painful kind of deception that doesn’t show up in the form of abuse or betrayal right away. It shows up wrapped in apologies, tears, and promises that something will “never happen again.”
But if you’ve found yourself in a cycle of being hurt, receiving a tearful “sorry,” only to be hurt again in the same way—something deeper is going on. You’re not just being let down. You’re being handled.
And when that “sorry” starts feeling more like a trap than a turning point, you may be dealing with an emotional controller.
A fake apology isn’t always easy to spot—especially when it comes with emotion. The trap is, they don’t want reconciliation; they want a reset. They want to wipe the slate clean without doing the work to change. This allows them to appear remorseful while evading responsibility.
Scripture tells us that Godly sorrow brings repentance (2 Corinthians 7:10). That’s sorrow with change. Sorrow with direction. Here are the six signs of a true apology:
- Owning the mistake – No excuses. No blaming you for how they “reacted.”
- Actually saying sorry – Not “I’m sorry you feel that way,” but “I’m sorry I did this.”
- Showing genuine remorse – You see it in both words and tone.
- Making amends – A desire to repair, not just move on.
- Honest communication – Open, humble conversation about what went wrong.
- Changing behavior – No repeat patterns. No reset-and-repeat cycles.
Miss the last one—change—and you’re not being apologized to. You’re being manipulated.
Previously mentioned Scripture.
Matthew 7:16
New International Version
16 “By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?”
Matthew 7:16
King James Version
16 “Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?”
Matthew 7:16
Living Bible
16 “You can detect them by the way they act, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit. You need never confuse grapevines with thorn bushes or figs with thistles.”
Matthew 10:16
New International Version
16 “ “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.”
Matthew 10:16
King James Version
16 “Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.”
Matthew 10:16
Living Bible
16 “ “I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. Be as wary as serpents and harmless as doves.”
2 Corinthians 7:10
New International Version
10 “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”
2 Corinthians 7:10
King James Version
10 “For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.”
2 Corinthians 7:10
Living Bible
10 “For God sometimes uses sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek eternal life. We should never regret his sending it. But the sorrow of the man who is not a Christian is not the sorrow of true repentance and does not prevent eternal death.”